Stop Confusing Responsibility With Self-Blame

15.09.25

Once, I was meeting with a new client, and before I could say anything, he started saying he had done therapy when he was younger, but it was a terrible experience.

According to him, his therapist was constantly coddling him and making him believe that absolutely nothing was his fault, as he was just a victim of his circumstances.

He confessed he couldn’t help but feel absolutely powerless. Then he asked me to be straight and tell him exactly what he was doing wrong so he could fix the situation.

That day, I learned an important lesson: When you make people believe they’re mere victims, they also lose their sense of agency. And when people don’t understand what they’re responsible for, they feel lost and powerless.

This raises the question: What does it truly mean to take responsibility for our lives?

This may sound simple, but according to my experience as a therapist, it’s a fairly complex matter. While some people avoid responsibility like the plague, others are bearing too much and also feeling stuck.

The Dark Side of Responsibility

First and foremost, I believe everyone understands that running away from responsibility and constantly feeling victimized by the world is childish.

Carl Jung explains that we fall prey to neurosis precisely because we avoid the truth and being with reality. In other words, if we never confront our fears and truly grow up, we’re bound to remain neurotic.

That’s often the case with the Puer and Puella Aeternus, who constantly seek comfort and the easy way out, frequently resorting to daydreaming.

If that’s your case, you have some work to do, and I break it down into actionable steps in my Conquer The Puer Aeternus Series.

In contrast, many people who strongly desire to take responsibility for their lives fall into another mistake: They conflate taking responsibility with self-blame.

In other words, they’re taking too much responsibility for everyone and everything all the time.

They feel overwhelmed by this crushing weight and paralyzed by the fear of making the slightest mistake, as they believe everything is their fault all the time.

These people usually suffered from parentification. Meaning they bore a lot of responsibilities a kid shouldn’t have.

In practice, these people usually felt overly responsible for the well-being of their parents.

Of course, it’s completely normal to care for your parents, but depending on how intense this was, the roles can be reversed, and you start feeling like a parent to your own parents.

In this case, you become attuned to their emotional needs and forget about your own. And if you have siblings, you usually adopt the role of a second parent.

Parentified children usually have a center role in the family, such as managing conflicts, acting as everyone’s therapist, and making decisions they shouldn’t have to make. They usually act from a place of guilt and are hypervigilant of everything that can potentially go wrong.

A perfect example is Michael Bluth from the TV Show Arrested Development.

To make things simple, parentified children internalize that their sense of self-worth is correlated to being the caretaker and everybody’s savior.

This is especially aggravated if they experienced overly critical parents and felt ashamed of who they are, as this also enhances the pursuit for validation and perfectionism.

In summary, this creates a need for control, the fear of making minor mistakes, and an overwhelming and paralyzing sense of responsibility for things they shouldn’t have. If they’re less than perfect, self-blame and self-criticism become their mantra.

I feel you. So what can we do?

Getting Unstuck

This might sound counterintuitive, but you need to take less responsibility, let go of control, and be more gentle with yourself.

I know, easier said than done. And if you were parentified, you’re freaking out just reading that.

But the first important thing to understand is that self-blame is usually a coping mechanism to deal with unsafe and unreliable parents. We turn the anger and frustration inwards to maintain the bond intact, as our very survival depended on them.

But over time, what once protected us sabotages our adult life. These narratives keep us stuck in the past, and we become our own abusers.

But acting from a place of guilt and shame is not the same as taking responsibility.

That’s why it’s time to stop trying to please the parents and keep everyone happy. It’s crucial to realize that these narratives protect you from having to understand what YOU truly want.

A common pattern for Michael Bluth is that he constantly sabotages his romantic relationships. When things are about to get serious, he frequently uses his family and son as an excuse to avoid being with someone new.

At one point, his sister Lindsay even says, “You hate happiness, Michael!”.

She goes on and says how he enjoys being in control and playing the martyr so he can be perceived as a hero, a secret facet of codependency.

But instead of trying to save others, you must save yourself by understanding your own needs, what makes you happy, and uncovering your sense of purpose.

It’s important to investigate your own shadow and give life to your repressed talents and abilities, develop your craft, and be in the service of something greater than you.

Yes, it’s also important to allow yourself to feel everything you couldn’t as a kid, the anger, the frustration, and even despair. Don’t judge yourself for having these emotions otherwise, they’ll be forever stuck inside of you and fuel the inner critic.

Lastly, responsibility involves understanding that others are also responsible for how they choose to act and stop blaming yourself for it. Instead, shift your focus to what’s in your control and cultivate agency by deciding who you want to become.

True responsibility is about individuation and carving your own path.

• Read Next – Demystifying Shadow Work Series

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

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