Stop Confusing Responsibility With Self-Blame

15.09.25

Once, I was meeting with a new client, and before I could say anything, he started saying he had done therapy when he was younger, but it was a terrible experience.

According to him, his therapist was constantly coddling him and making him believe that absolutely nothing was his fault, as he was just a victim of his circumstances.

He confessed he couldn’t help but feel absolutely powerless. Then he asked me to be straight and tell him exactly what he was doing wrong so he could fix the situation.

That day, I learned an important lesson: When you make people believe they’re mere victims, they also lose their sense of agency. And when people don’t understand what they’re responsible for, they feel lost and powerless.

This begs the question: What does it mean to truly take responsibility for our lives?

This may sound simple, but according to my experience as a therapist, it’s a fairly complex matter. While some people avoid responsibility like the plague, others are bearing too much and also feeling stuck.

The Problem of Responsibility

First and foremost, I believe everyone understands that running away from responsibility and constantly feeling victimized by the world is childish.

Carl Jung explains that we fall prey to neurosis precisely because we avoid the truth and being with reality. In other words, if we never confront our fears and truly grow up, we’re bound to remain neurotic.

That’s often the case with the Puer and Puella Aeternus, who constantly seek comfort, the easy way out, and resort to day-dreaming.

If that’s your case, you have some work to do, and I break it down into actionable steps in my Conquer The Puer Aeternus Series.

In contrast, many people who strongly desire to take responsibility for their lives fall into another mistake: They conflate taking responsibility with self-blame.

In other words, they’re taking too much responsibility for everyone and everything all of the time.

They feel overwhelmed by this crushing weight and paralyzed by the fear of making the slightest mistake, as they believe everything is their fault all the time.

These people usually suffered from parentification. Meaning they bore a lot of responsibilities a kid shouldn’t have.

In practice, these people usually felt overly responsible for the well-being of their parents.

Of course, it’s completely normal to care for your parents, but depending on how intense this was, the roles can be reversed, and you start feeling like a parent to your own parents.

You become attuned to their emotional needs and forget about your own. And if you have siblings, you usually adopt the role of a second parent.

To make things simple, these people internalize that their sense of self-worth is correlated to being the caretaker and everybody’s savior.

This is especially aggravated if they experienced overly critical parents and felt ashamed of who they are, as this also enhances the pursuit for validation and perfectionism.

In summary, this creates a need for control, the fear of making minor mistakes, and an overwhelming and paralyzing sense of responsibility for things they shouldn’t have. If they’re less than perfect, self-blame is the only option.

I feel you. So what can we do?

Getting Unstuck

This might sound counterintuitive, but you need to take less responsibility, let go of control, and be more gentle with yourself.

I know, easier said than done.

The first important thing to understand is that self-blame is usually a coping mechanism to deal with unsafe and unreliable parents. We turn the anger and frustration inwards to maintain the bond intact, as our very survival depended on them.

But over time, what once protected us sabotages our adult life. These narratives keep us stuck in the past, and we become our own abusers.

But guilt and shame are not the same as taking responsibility.

It’s time to stop trying to please the parents and keep everyone happy, and realize how these narratives protect you from having to understand what YOU truly want.

Instead of trying to save others, you must save yourself by understanding your own needs, what makes you happy, and uncovering your sense of purpose by developing a craft and being in the service of the greater good.

Yes, it’s also important to allow yourself to feel everything you couldn’t as a kid, the anger, the frustration, and even despair. Don’t judge yourself for having these emotions otherwise, they’ll be forever stuck inside of you and fuel the inner critic.

True responsibility involves understanding that others are also responsible for how they choose to act and stop blaming yourself for it. Instead, shift your focus to what’s in your control and cultivate agency by deciding who you want to become.

• Read Next – How To Beat Perfectionism With The Flow State

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

Whenever you’re ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:

Mentorship – Catalyze your personal transformation with 1 on 1 sessions. Master your psychology, relationships, and business.

Audacity University – Master Jungian Psychology in 1 year: Become your own analyst or integrate these tools into your professional practice.

Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual – My best-selling and accessible course will teach you how to disrupt the unconscious patterns keeping you stuck and integrate the shadow.