Stuck in Shadow Work?

23.04.25

Today, I want to talk about why a lot of people get stuck and don’t experiment with significant improvements when they start therapy, get into self-development, or shadow integration practices. These people usually have a lot of insight and understand what shaped their identity. However, their actual lives and relationships remain the same.

To simplify things, I divided the healing journey into 2 stages. Most people that don’t get good results stay stuck in the first one.

Stage 1 – Oh, that’s why I’m fucked up (lol)

In the first stage, everything starts making sense and we learn how to draw connections between our current circumstances and life experiences. That’s when we learn about childhood trauma, how the relationship with our parents affected us, and how the environment we grew up in impacted the development of our personalities.

We feel validated and relieved to know that a lot of other people feel exactly the same way. We want to shout “I knew I wasn’t crazy, I knew it!”. You start understanding the deeper reasons for your behaviors, and why you have certain fears, and uncover your relationship patterns.

For a while, all we can do is think about it. I remember devouring book after book and video after video trying to piece together my experiences. I was in a constant search for that new therapeutic approach capable of providing the ultimate answer to my problems.

Every time I sat down to research I’d find something new. I developed small obsessions and jumped from approach to approach. Every day I felt like I had to read just one more book to finally feel better and start taking action.

I confess I became addicted to learning about my traumas. But instead of feeling better, I was only inflating my intellect and I became a black belt in rationalizations. That’s a very common problem, we believe that understanding things intellectually will save us.

But what ends up happening is that we start using our knowledge as a crutch. We justify our current circumstances because our parents did such and such things. We get stuck in the past and only focus on how hard it is to change, “because this is such an old pattern and bla bla bla”.

The truth is that no amount of research will do anything if you don’t focus on the present moment and put all your efforts into moving in a new direction. This involves letting go of our crutches and letting go of our victim narratives.

I noticed that a lot of the time, we keep our wounds alive because we want to feel right and justified. We want to receive special treatment and avoid responsibility. I know because I’ve already done this. But to truly change we have to ask ourselves why we want to be perceived as incapable? What are we winning?

I know that a lot of people will think I’m being harsh but I must tell you that there’s a huge difference between empathy and enabling. I fully empathize with everyone who experienced some sort of trauma and won’t invalidate your experience.

That said, I won’t play along with people who want to weaponize their incompetence and seek to manipulate by playing the victim. Adults must take responsibility for their lives and if you’re ready to change, you have my full support.

This leads us to the second stage.

Stage 2 – Healing Is A Construction

Insights mean nothing when not paired with action in the real world. Getting back to my earlier point, we often seek that magical experience that will make everything right. Many people even get addicted to cathartic experiences like going to retreats and taking copious amounts of drugs.

But when they get back to the real world, things barely change. Why? … Because healing is a construction and not a one-time thing. Sure, there are moments when we feel something special and things just click. However, even these moments are useless if they don’t become action.

I often talk with clients who have the most profound dreams and are completely enchanted by them during the time of our sessions. But when the next week came and I asked them if they acted on what the dream suggested, they dismissed me.

Real breakthroughs usually happen after we’ve focused on a single goal for an extended period of time. Feeling like something changed is the climax rather than an isolated experience. The truth is that what truly works isn’t sexy, to craft a new identity, we must focus on our mundane daily choices and habits.

We must take radical responsibility and as soon as we receive an insight, we must ask ourselves what is the smallest step we can take in this direction? What’s within reach in this very moment?

That’s how we embody our inner work and experience real results.

• Read Next – The Definitive Shadow Work Guide

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

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Mentorship – Catalyze your personal transformation with 1 on 1 sessions. Master your psychology, relationships, and business.

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