How To TRULY Heal From Trauma

24.06.24

After 6 years of working as a therapist and analyzing people from over 20 countries, I found that the process of healing trauma is actually quite simple In this article, I want to demystify it.

Everything started with me sharing a simple story on Reddit, at first, I confess that I was hesitant to do it because I thought that having this difficulty made me look weak and vulnerable.

But I decided to do it anyway and the response was surprisingly positive and I realized that many people share the exact same difficulties.

A few weeks ago, I did something I thought I’d never be able to comfortably do. I went to one of my favorite cafes, but unfortunately, the food wasn’t as good as it usually is.

In the past, I’d just pretend that everything was ok and never mention anything. If it happened a second time, I’d never come back.

However, this time was different. It took me a while to figure out what was wrong with the food, so after finishing eating most of it and paying, I calmly mentioned that there was a problem.

I said something like: “Everything was really good, but unfortunately, the bread was a bit stale. I’m only mentioning it because I really like coming here”.

The conversation was in Spanish, so it probably wasn’t as fluid and a bit more dramatic, haha.

I noticed my heart racing as I was doing it, mainly because my Spanish isn’t that good yet, but I knew it was the right thing to do because when you don’t communicate properly you never give the chance to the other person to change and this is the perfect way to build resentment.

Many people asked how I was treated, and everyone in the cafe was really nice about it, I already came back and the food was amazing as always.

Well, I’ve been thinking about what it takes to truly heal from trauma for the past few weeks and this situation made me realize how far I’ve come.

It was a great reminder that working on yourself really changes your beliefs and your natural reactions.

Avoiding conflict, my desire for perfection, and people-pleasing has shut my voice for many years. My boundaries were constantly being crossed and this was a major source of anxiety.

Well, I can confidently say that those codependent days are finally gone.

Upon reflection, I realized that what works to heal trauma isn’t sexy, It’s your mundane and daily choices that will make a difference, you don’t have to do anything crazy. I wish someone had told me that before I’d tried the most ridiculous things in hopes of finding a cure.

One of the main problems is that when you’re dealing with trauma and have a childish mentality, you want an instant solution. You don’t want to hear that it’ll take time and that basic actions and daily choices will work.

You want to participate in those woo-woo healing retreats. You want to find a “real shaman” and take ayahuasca. You want to feel those overwhelming cathartic moments that will free you from generational trauma, only to find out that 2 days later you’re still the same person and dealing with the same shit.

You fight with yourself, “I thought I’d healed, why do I still feel the same!”. Then, you get addicted to those experiences thinking that you need more of them to finally heal and enter a vicious circle.

Well, if you ever tried these things you know they don’t work. Sure, a few people can benefit from it and finally find relief. The problem is that these experiences are rarely translated into practical changes, making them almost useless and unreliable.

Healing Is A Construction

What few people understand is that healing is a construction and NOT a single moment in time. For some reason, we as human beings have a very hard time grasping this notion and I see it every day with my clients (I’m also included).

There comes a point in their process when they’re finally experiencing themselves differently. Most of the anxiety and depressive feelings are gone and they’re feeling more confident and motivated to give life to their projects.

I always ask them what changed and this is kinda of a tricky question by now…

All of them tend to attribute these changes to a single moment. They say that something happened in their workplace, or that they finally had a conversation with their partners, or even that “One day they just woke up differently”.

By now, I’m already used to these replies and this is the moment I do the best I can to show them that there was a build-up leading to this moment and that all of those tiny actions that seemed insignificant finally paid off.

Why is this so important?

So they can realize that they created this change and that they have agency. It wasn’t a moment in time nor an external event, they’re in control and can perpetuate this new state.

You won’t find what you’re after on that new crazy Illuminati therapy, the real magic lies in the mundane choices you make on a daily basis.

That’s why the simplest way to build a new sense of identity is by backing it with actions. You need concrete proof. Every time you experiment and feel yourself in this different way, you’re stepping out of trauma and solidifying this new identity.

At first, these actions seem invisible but don’t be fooled, because they have a compounding effect. Stop looking for “The ultimate mental health hacks”, this is childish and not sustainable. We must focus on building a solid inner foundation that will produce true and lasting changes.

You have to take intelligent actions as they’re the building blocks to the new version of yourself.

You create momentum for your mind to shift every time you just decide to go to the gym and eat healthier, when you say no to a toxic family member, or when you work on your projects instead of doom-scrolling or watching adult videos.

You choose to change today and when you least expect, you’re doing it effortlessly because this is the new you. Every tiny action matters, that’s why the healing process is quite simple, however, it obviously requires effort and discipline.

Demystifying The Healing Process

But you’re probably asking yourself why simple actions matter so much, well the first thing you have to know is that when we’re dealing with trauma a split happens and there’s a partial to complete dissociation from our bodies. We start living in our heads and this tends to trigger maladaptive daydreaming and lack of interest for the real life, a classic Puer and Puella Aeternus symptom.

Now, we’re no longer in the present moment, we’re constantly fighting illusory demons in our minds, worrying about the future, and indulging in useless pondering about the past, the cycle never ends.

To make matters worse, we believe that we’ll be able to solve everything intellectually. We start researching, reading books, and binge-watching videos about trauma. We start learning a bunch of things and crazy concepts, and we even start teaching our friends about it, it feels like we’re unraveling the mysteries of the Universe.

However, despite accumulating all of this knowledge, nothing changes, and in many cases, people feel even worse. Why? … Again, because they’re trying to solve everything intellectually instead of making practical changes in their lives.

Many people even use a lot of psychological terms to explain their traumas, however, this enhances the split even more. And worse, they not only keep their traumas alive but are continuously re-traumatizing themselves and living in a powerless state.

They get absolutely in love with their neurosis and constantly revisit traumatic memories “trying to find an answer”. The problem is that no “why” is ever satisfying enough, there’s always something else they NEED to understand.

This makes it impossible to heal and deep down, people use this strategy to avoid taking responsibility for their lives. The truth is that you don’t need to fully understand things to change, it’s only productive to look at the past when we use this knowledge to make practical changes in the present moment.

We must accept things as they are and stop running from making tough decisions, while we’re indulging in “what ifs” and wishing that things were different, we’ll never heal. Plus, depending on the situation, you should stop looking at your traumas completely and only focus on the present moment for a while.

If you’re stuck in the mindset that you can’t ever heal, I explore this matter in-depth in my last article – Why some people never heal from trauma.

The Body

Before this picture, the first thing we have to do is to reconnect with our bodies and the practical aspects of life. We need to build a solid foundation by having good sleep, proper nutrition, and doing some form of physical exercise. If you’re anxious and depressed, that’s the first thing that will make you instantly feel better.

This is important for 2 reasons:

First, a simple way to understand trauma is as an unbearable emotion like shame, rejection, abandonment, guilt, or some fear, and by building this solid foundation, we also get to improve our tolerance to it.

Traumas have a biological and neurological aspect, that’s why we have to take care of our bodies and our minds concomitantly, the popular term for it today is to “regulate our nervous system”.

Second, you have to understand that when we work on transforming our bodies we’re also transforming our minds. To me, this is the real secret and where the magic happens.

The Deeper Layer

Allow me to get a bit personal…

10 years ago when I used to pack an extra 25 kgs of fat (55lbs), I was tired and sleepy all the time and I didn’t have the energy to do anything. Honestly, I felt disgusting when I looked myself in the mirror and this made me retreat to my head even more.

I was weak and constantly avoiding the challenges of life. My attitude was to constantly seek comfort and do the least amount of work possible, I never fully committed to anything. I was a passive spectator watching my life being wasted by playing video games and eating copious amounts of food.

I remember that when I was about 19 my family and I made our first international trip, we went to visit my uncle in the US. At that time, I was already extremely addicted to food and I just couldn’t stop eating. So you can imagine the amount of burgers, fries, pizzas, and ice cream we had during this trip. It was just insane.

A few days after we got back, we went shopping for new clothes and I just got my usual size, medium shirts and 42 on pants. When I went to try the clothes they didn’t fit. I looked myself in the mirror and I seriously wanted to cry.

That was the first time in my life when I objectively understood that I was slowly killing myself, because I was in a store I just managed to suck it up, I remember returning all of the t-shirts and keeping a larger pair of pants.

That experience changed me… I knew I had to do something not only about my health but my life in general. That same week I spent the little savings I had buying a set of dumbbells, a few weights, and a bench.

I started consuming every video I could on bodybuilding and I fell in love with it. I’d experiment with new things every day and I finally started seeing my body change. After dropping 25kg I wasn’t the same guy anymore. I’d learn how to rely on myself, I knew I could have goals and achieve them. I knew I was capable. Those sets of weights saved my life and I mean it.

Many people preach that we should just accept ourselves the way we are and be completely passive about it. I disagree entirely… when we truly love ourselves we do everything we can to change and we hold ourselves to the highest standards, not because we’re punishing ourselves, but because we know we’re capable of more and we want to achieve our potential.

The easiest way to change our sense of identity is by focusing on creating new behaviors, the more we accumulate concrete proof in the direction of our goals, the more we experience our identity shifting.

Every time I picked my dumbbells I was affirming to myself that I was strong, focused, and disciplined. After 6 months this became my new reality because I experienced it deeply in my body.

People think they have to be motivated or enter the right mindset to change, but it’s the other way around. You first do the thing and your mind will begin shifting accordingly. You need to experiment yourself differently so your mind can change.

By engaging in some form of physical activity, you’ll learn how to surpass your own limits, go all in, and build perseverance. Not only that, we finally change our relationship with pain and understand that it’s a vital part of the process. There isn’t progress without struggle and nothing truly valuable just falls on our laps, we must conquer it.

By being connected with our bodies we also learn how to be in the present moment and actually focus. Before transforming my mind and body I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t read 2 pages before forgetting everything. Now, I just launched a book. It’s just insane how much we can change when we truly apply ourselves and I want you to experience the same thing.

Lastly, committing to changing my body was also how I finally began separating myself from my parents. Eating healthy and taking care of your body was a foreign concept to my family. Engaging in this process forced me to place boundaries and craft my own values. It forced me to evaluate how I wanted to live my own life and make my own decisions.

If you’re feeling unmotivated and have a hard time building habits and discipline, I have a very accessible course called Obliterate Procrastination that teaches you everything you need to know about it.

Positive Emotions

This first step is important so you can “stop the bleeding” and learn how to rely on yourself. When you regain your confidence, the sensation of feeling lost and hopeless disappears, and a very important thing happens, you begin accessing more positive emotions again and they have the power to change how you view yourself and the world.

According to Barbara Fredrickson, positive emotions amplify our creativity and learning capacity, make us envision new possibilities, boost our resilience, and allow us to bounce back from adversity more quickly. We feel more capable and gain the necessary perspective to finally investigate our stories and patterns in a productive way.

It’s very interesting that I witness this happening very often during therapy sessions. In the beginning, the person is completely disoriented and hopeless and after 1hr of exploring the situation, accessing new emotions, and acquiring new perspectives, they find this incredible confidence to overcome their challenges.

Living an Audacious Life

That’s why it’s so important to focus on building a solid foundation, plus, when you’re present and connected with yourself your natural interests and authentic desires will come to the surface. This takes us to the second step, focusing on creating a meaningful life and fulfilling relationships.

In my experience as a therapist, 99% of people know exactly what they want to do with their lives, however, they allow fear to get in the way. Maybe it’s a fear of being rejected by the parents or the infamous fear of failure.

However, you have to give yourself the right to deeply want to accomplish your goals and move towards them. You have to bet on yourself and redefine what failure means, because deep in your soul, you know that you only fail when you know you could’ve given more but you didn’t.

A meaningful life won’t simply come to you, you have to meet it halfway. It’s by actively striving to overcome your fears and engaging with your natural interests that meaning is unraveled. Plus, motivation is unleashed when you know that what you’re doing is deeply valuable to you.

In very practical terms, living a meaningful life involves exploring our potential, dedicating ourselves to cultivating our talents, and putting them at the service of other people. Most people are constantly chasing immense highs and they don’t realize that this is just a way to compensate for their lack of purpose and effort.

Why effort?

Because a sense of purpose has to be created, it won’t fall on your lap. However, most people avoid this work and seek instant gratification with all kinds of addictions, like food, alcohol, or adult videos, and they have no clue why they’re so anxious and depressed.

Well, when you live your life constantly choosing the easy way out and seeking comfort, you allow your talents to rot and they turn into poison. You adopt the narcissistic and childish mentality that everything has to serve you and only you. You never ask yourself how you can serve other people and even if you do, it’s only for personal gain.

To find purpose, you need the courage to put yourself in a vulnerable position and follow your heart. Because it’s only in this sacred path that you find what’s truly valuable to you and you must allow yourself to be fully affected by it. You must deeply care about something.

Again, when you have a narcissistic mentality, you keep saying that you don’t care about anything and that everything is meaningless. I found that this is just another cop-out to avoid putting effort and truly engaging with life.

I have worked with many clients who clearly had something that could bring them purpose, however, they kept running away from it.

Why?

Because when you deeply care about something you devote your life to it and practical changes must be made to accommodate this sense of purpose. You can’t live this only in fantasy, you must make it concrete and constantly work on your craft.

First, because it brings immense pleasure when you’re inspired to achieve excellence, and second because you want to give your best gifts to the world.

When you fully live this creative life, you can access a deeper layer of the human experience in the simplest moments, you’re present and the activity itself is meaningful.

Carl Jung calls that the numinosum, the latest neuroscience calls it the Flow state, I will explore that in the future. But the more you devote yourself to this activity and the creative aspect of your personality, the more you’ll feel fulfilled.

Outro

If you were paying attention, you probably noticed that I haven’t discussed the origins of trauma and mommy and daddy issues, not because it’s not important to understand certain patterns, I have a whole book on it, but because learning about this stuff means nothing if we don’t act on them.

Most people are already drowning in information and this creates a comfortable illusion that they’re doing something, however, the only thing that matters is what you do with this information.

What truly heals trauma is accepting everything as it is, being present, and stopping running from reality and your responsibilities. Now, it’s up to you, are you going to choose your fantasies or fully engage with life?

Lastly, you can find a complete guide to this process in Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual. Or you can come directly to the Audacity University and access ALL of my courses and receive my guidance in live meetings.

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

Whenever you’re ready, there are 4 ways I can help you:

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